Why Are You Doing This, Gf?

Dear Girlfriend:

You know I hate long-distance relationships with the fury of a thousand really pissed-off suns.You went into this knowing that I'd just gotten out of one that lasted five years, and every minute of it was like sitting in jail.

So when you went off to college, you agreed that I'd move in with you.But wait, but now you're afraid we're "moving too fast" and want to push it back for at least a year, leaving me in...Guess what?Another motherfucking long-distance relationship.

My idea of a good relationship involves cuddling, sharing food, watching movies together, going places and doing stuff, and sex at least occasionally.It doesn't involve typing messages into Facebook chat for three hours a night, because I'm not a fucking robot.

If you weren't the girl of my dreams in every other way, I would've left you for this shit.